We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The EditorGreetings Bo Jackson Jersey White , Raider Nation! It is I, the Quintessential Studmuffin, the man so hot he has to get into the sauna to keep cool, the man who rolls harder than the tree that killed Sonny Bono, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you early today, because the NFL in their infinite wisdom elected to put the two worst teams in the NFL on TV on All Saints’ Day, instead of the actual Saints.As a result, I’ve had to consult the Great Beyond well in advance of our normal agreed-upon schedule, and I think the Great Old One might be a little cranky. Here is what the Eternal One had to say:“You again! I see the Raiders lost to the Colts, just as I predicted they would, as if that were a surprise. The best way to turn a team around in the NFL is to get a really good coach and draft exceptionally well. Jon Gruden may or may not be a good coach at the moment, but he’ll get his chance to show how well he can draft come next spring. The 49ers had a good coach once. Twice, actually. The first time was Bill Walsh, and the Niners got him because the Bengals and Paul Brown were too inept to make him their head coach, preferring instead to sign Marvin Lewis to a 50-year contract. Walsh revolutionized football with San Francisco, employing the West Coast offense with quarterbacks Joe Montana and Steve Young, whom the Buccaneers had given up on after the 1986 season. Also in 1986, the Bucs screwed Bo Jackson out of playing college baseball, and he refused to play for them. Can you imagine Steve Young and Bo Jackson on the same team? Tampa Bay made more mistakes in 1986 than the LAPD did in 1994. Walsh won four Super Bowls in San Francisco, and is the reason the 49ers are considered a glamour franchise.It went downhill fast for the 49ers after Young’s retirement due to taking more hits than Bob Marley at Burning Man. Montana and Young were the stuff of legends. Jeff Garcia was the stuff of two cats yowling at each other outside your apartment at 3 a.m. Alex Smith was the stuff of listening to a 13 year old kid tell you over Xbox Live how he fucked your mom. Colin Kaepernick was the stuff of Roseanne singing the national anthem.But at least during the Kaepernick era, they had a good coach. He was so good in fact, that he absolutely could not get along with 49ers owner Jed York, whose name tells you exactly how smart he is. Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty ImagesJust look at that little mustard stain on the Led Zeppelin shirt of humanity. He looks like he is made of soybeans and tax evasion. He looks like a guy who would get shanked by an accountant in the bathroom of a minimum security prison. He shouldn’t be trusted to operate a Ford Taurus, let alone a professional football team. Harbaugh was jettisoned to his alma mater, the University of Michigan, which is famous for being the winningest college football program ever and also the alma mater of Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner. Holla if ya hear me. Harbaugh can now do things like this in peace, because everyone at Michigan is just as batshit insane as him.York is the genius behind the construction of Levi’s Stadium. I’m roasting the Niners right now, but that’s nothing compared to what the stadium itself does to the fans. Here’s some footage from the last Niners day game:Levi’s Stadium is the second most poorly-planned stadium when it comes to anticipating weather conditions in the country. Its predecessor, Candlestick Park, was the worst. The wind and cold got so bad there, they actually gave out awards for staying til the end of a baseball doubleheader, like you’d just won a war or something.Eventually, Candlestick ran its course and was replaced, like the first wives of every Silicon Valley tech executive. And in true San Francisco fashion, the city gentrified its own team out of the area and into the suburbs. Like a worker who lives in Lodi and commutes four hours every day to the City, the Niners had to tighten their belts and move to a cheaper area. And yet, nobody really wants to go to Santa Clara to watch a Niners game. There’s a solution, of course, that the brainiacs who run SF would never consider. Take all the homeless of SF, who have nowhere to live because they don’t make $800K a year, and put them in Levi’s Stadium so they have somewhere to shit that isn’t a public sidewalk. The stadium is used to it by now, because the Niners shit in their Levi’s every Sunday as it is. And Levi’s is a perfect name for the place where the Niners play, but surely they mean women’s jeans, because the Niners don’t have a pocket and they are built around holes.The 49ers, in the latest of a long series of totally reasonable and prescient personnel decisions, gave Jimmy Garoppolo a $137.5M contract before the beginning of this season. When one considers the cost of living in San Francisco https://www.raiderslockerroom.com/authentic-derek-carr-jersey , Jimmy G is making minimum wage. Naturally, Jimmy tore his ACL early this season running out of bounds. If there’s one thing a rich guy should be comfortable with in San Francisco, it’s white lines, but Jimmy had surgery on his little friend and is out for a long time. Maybe he can use this downtime to date a better class of porn star. Kiara Mia seems like a lovely, flexible young lady and I’m sure her father is very proud, but Stormy Daniels has less wear on the ol’ treads than her.Since firing Harbaugh, the Niners have gone through coaches Jim Tomsula, Chip Kelly and Kyle Shanahan, who was last seen blowing a massive lead to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Blowing is celebrated in San Francisco, so he’ll fit right in. The Niners record since firing Harbaugh is a solid 14-42. $14.42 is how much it will cost you to buy a cup of the autumnal full-bodied artisan microbrew Imperial Goatshit Stout IPA at Levi’s, but they will not give you a straw because despite the fact that the team flies everywhere on a private fucking jet they pretend to care about the Earth. Levi’s is the smuggest place on Earth, it’s Disneyland for insufferable douchebags. It costs $12 to get a brandy snifter to fart into. The snifters are free range, organic, and made by co-op free trade conflict-free glass blowers in Tibet.The 49ers are in a bad way right now, and they’ve never truly recovered from the departure of former owner Eddie DeBartolo, who ‘departed’ football in the same sense that Michael Jordan conveniently ‘departed’ the NBA to go play baseball after he racked up massive gambling debts. DeBartolo was a mobster who abused the salary cap more times than Bill Romanowski has gone to court-ordered anger management classes. The 49ers deserve everything they get for being irresponsible, reckless, incompetent buffoons who have their head so far up their own asses that they can smell their own tonsils. If there are any Niners fans in here right now who have something to say, I suggest you turn off your computer, cut the power to your house, and wait 30 minutes. Then turn the power back on and maybe you’ll have a comeback.Raiders win, 30-20.” The fantasy football world for Raider Nation has changed dramatically since Oakland last played a football game. Top wide receiver Amari Cooper is now a Dallas Cowboy. Top running back Marshawn Lynch is on injured reserve. Surprisingly, this does bring good news. We don’t have to worry about whether or not Cooper will show up this week. It’s now the Cowboys’ problem. Jared Cook and Derek Carr are still on the team, but by the time I finish writing the article it wouldn’t be shocking to hear that Gruden traded one of them. There aren’t a lot of Raider players left from the start of the season, but does it really matter? The Colts’ players are going to create the majority of fantasy production this week. Must startQB Andrew LuckIt doesn’t really matter who is playing Oakland at quarterback. They should probably be starting, especially if it is a pro bowl caliber quarterback like it is with Andrew Luck. Start the man, Luck has thrown for 15 touchdowns in the past four games. TE Eric EbronThe Raiders have been strong against the tight end position this season allowing less than 59 yards receiving in all but one game this year. But I suspect the stats are just a mirage of the Oakland defense. Also, Luck loves tight ends and Eric Ebron has caught 21 receptions for 247 yards and four touchdowns over the last four games. QB Derek CarrThere is no one left around Carr. Many of his weapons are gone. However, I think it is time for Carr to put on a show and shut up the critics that have been bashing him for the video of him crying on the field in London. It actually might help Carr to see more Jalen Richard as he will be a much greater help in the passing game than Lynch. Furthermore, the Colts’ defense is just bad. So against a horrible defense at home, Carr should put on a good performance even with the recent turmoil. Carr has never needed a great performance this bad in his career and I think he gets it. TE Jared CookCook has been nowhere to be found over the past two games tallying just 30 yards receiving combined. But with no one else remaining on the team, Gruden has to make Cook a focal point of the passing attack Sunday. There is no Cooper to draw up plays for, just Jordy Nelson and Cook.So against a poor pass defense, Cook should be a great mismatch for Carr to take advantage of. Proceed with CautionRB Jalen RichardJalen Richard has performed nicely as of late tallying more than six receptions in three out of the last four games. So out of the backfield, he has been a major threat. However, game receiving just four carries in the last three games. I like his production out of the backfield and believe he will break a few short receptions for big gains, but Gruden seems to like Doug Martin too much and that should eat into the possible production that Richard could have in the running game. WR Jordy NelsonSame as I have said for a while. If you are starting Nelson, don’t expect anything great but don’t expect a dud. Nelson has the advantage of playing a Colts’ defense that has allowed 264 yards per game and should find the end zone once (maybe twice), but it is hard to imagine him breaking off big plays consistently to get a large yardage number to make him a must play. BenchRB Doug MartinMartin is averaging 3.7 yards per carry and just over one yard per reception. Gruden views Martin as a feature back but I think those days are long gone. If Martin can’t average four yards a carry coming in fresh to relieve Lynch, it doesn’t seem likely Martin will be able to do it once he becomes the focus of the run game. And the offensive line is not going to make it easy, with Kelechi Osemele still not practicing, on the aging Martin. Raiders D/STLuck has not been messing around as of late. Second, who knows what defensive backs (Karl Joseph, Gareon Conley) will be on team come Sunday. Luck is good, the Raiders defense is not. Stay away from the Oakland defense. Don’t even look at it on the free agency page, it could cause bad juju.